Not yourself..... Depression

So today I have not been myself. I don't know if I have been clear about a big part of my life. When I was a Senior in high school I was diagnosed with chronic depression and a psychotic breakdown. I don't usually tell this to people. I feel like it is not excuse. Depression I hate when I talk about it I am not myself when I am depressed. I tend to not talk and implode everything inside until I finally explode. I am not myself with people. I  tend to get angry I also feel like I am the biggest asshole on the planet earth. I feel like there is nothing I can do. I feel like it is my fault. I am told it isn't but when I am an asshole it is my fault. I am not trying to bring a downer. Amanda says I am not myself. I am not myself. It sucks I guess you can say it is from the surgery. I basically told myself I am not going to be waited on any more. I love my girlfriend. She tells me it is not my fault. Again I told her yes it was. She said "Don't you dare say that again. This is not your fault! I love you and there is no way in hell I am letting you go down that road alone." I am so blessed for her. Forgive my language but, fuck this depression. I am so done with it. I have come to grips that I can not help myself. I need medication. I need someone to lean on. I just feel anger towards this sickness. This internal sickness where I cannot fix it. I love when people ask to help. I hate it when people wait on me. I can do it. At the same I feel like I need it the most. I need to stay healthy. For how can I love someone if I cannot love myself. I know Amanda reads my blogs and if she is reading this I want her to know I love her and I am so so sorry. I have been foolish and an asshole. I love you and you are the one person who keeps me alive in everything you do. All I can say is that we all need help if we can do all on our own. I was wrong. Ask for help when you need help.