Not yourself..... Depression

So today I have not been myself. I don't know if I have been clear about a big part of my life. When I was a Senior in high school I was diagnosed with chronic depression and a psychotic breakdown. I don't usually tell this to people. I feel like it is not excuse. Depression I hate when I talk about it I am not myself when I am depressed. I tend to not talk and implode everything inside until I finally explode. I am not myself with people. I  tend to get angry I also feel like I am the biggest asshole on the planet earth. I feel like there is nothing I can do. I feel like it is my fault. I am told it isn't but when I am an asshole it is my fault. I am not trying to bring a downer. Amanda says I am not myself. I am not myself. It sucks I guess you can say it is from the surgery. I basically told myself I am not going to be waited on any more. I love my girlfriend. She tells me it is not my fault. Again I told her yes it was. She said "Don't you dare say that again. This is not your fault! I love you and there is no way in hell I am letting you go down that road alone." I am so blessed for her. Forgive my language but, fuck this depression. I am so done with it. I have come to grips that I can not help myself. I need medication. I need someone to lean on. I just feel anger towards this sickness. This internal sickness where I cannot fix it. I love when people ask to help. I hate it when people wait on me. I can do it. At the same I feel like I need it the most. I need to stay healthy. For how can I love someone if I cannot love myself. I know Amanda reads my blogs and if she is reading this I want her to know I love her and I am so so sorry. I have been foolish and an asshole. I love you and you are the one person who keeps me alive in everything you do. All I can say is that we all need help if we can do all on our own. I was wrong. Ask for help when you need help.

Good Memories!

So I was recently on facebook, who isn't now a days. Today was Saturday I just needed to rest and sleep and what not. I couldn't go to my little brothers games that was a bummer. My surgery pain has gone down really low. I just feel nauseated and woozy from the medication. I also am a little worried about some parts on my body that have never swelled up so bad. Any who back to what I was doing. I was looking at some of the recent production I did of Godspell. I loved that show had a blast doing it. I also feel it is a big part of my life and I would so do it again if I got the chance. It is one of my favorite musicals. Playing the role of Jesus was tough but man was it fun. I learned a lot in the show and all the shows I have done. I was recently looking at pictures from it I said wow I miss it I loved that show it was an amazing experience. So today I was expecting Amanda yes the Love of my Life. She is amazing she surprised me around 8:30 with breakfast in bed. I loved it pancakes I swear the food between her  my grandma, mother, and my future sister in law I am going to die. Food is good. I felt special no one has ever brought me breakfast in bed. I was like yay breakfast in bed!! I am told lately I look pale. I must be in the face either hungry or sick and woozy from the meds. I swear lower tab can help but my goodness not want you to pass out. The pain from the surgery is going down. I just have a hard time walking. I miss walking normal and just getting out of bed normal. I can't twist or turn. My back is sore from being bent over trying to stand straight. I feel like someone just put me through the  hardest workout of my life. I love Amanda for being there for me. It meant a lot. I really want to marry this girl there is nothing to say about it. I love her she loves me end of story. She makes my life easier. Lower tab that stuff freaks your mind out but it is okay it helps the pain I am almost done taking them. Yeah no more drugged out Taylor. I feel like life is going good.

I was walking to Amanda and she says it is getting harder and harder to leave I asked why. We are young kids who want to get married let's face it I am 20 years old I have a lot of life still and she is 19. I know a year younger still that does not make anything harder or weird. I love her. She always says let's get married. I say okay let's do it. I am thinking maybe sometime let's not joke about it and actually talk about it. We have and we are serious about dating. I have never been with someone this long. I can proudly say we are almost at our one year mark. Yea for us! We are perfect for each other. Now I am not trying to float our boat but we are perfect. We sat down and we talked and it was a great talk and we got to know each other more and more and I can't believe how much you can know about someone. I mean to know there strengths and weaknesses. I can honestly say I found the one woman I want to be with the rest of my life!

So today was good relaxed hung out with Amanda and it was amazing. I mean now it is just me the cat about to go to bed. I  love talking to Amanda we talked for 2 hours and 30 minutes yesterday. Why you may ask we just miss each other and we want to just get married. I want a dog too. I feel like I need something to cuddle it is great to have a woman to cuddle but a puppy or a dog to know they need to love you is awesome in my opinion. Random spurt of randomness. I feel great besides pain. I can't wait to start school I got homework done and I am ready just get going again. I need to walk on a cane still to keep balance. Well I am a little dizzy from the medication so I am going to call it a night. I hope you keep reading and enjoy these blogs and I will blog more. Favorite thing said to me today "I love feeling your heart beat next to me."

Holy Hell

So it has been forever since I have blogged. I have recently been doing my first professional show the Fantasticks. It was a ball i loved it. Lately I have been going to school. I have not been able to go do to the fact I had hernia surgery and my goodness it is harder and more painful than I thought. I can barely move my waist and it sucks. I am limited to what I can do. I was a little bummed this week to find out I did not make A Christmas Carol. Who cares not me I am just going to take a break. I need it. I want to spend time with my girlfriend. I want to get married there I said it can you believe it I want to get married. Who knew if you know me well I was the kid who said I want a career and then get married. Well that fell down like a load of bricks. I can't wait to actually get married I get to see the woman I love every day. Okay it may not be all day. I will at least get to see her in the morning and then at night. I can't have that. I have been depressed lately but there is always someone for me and always someone who is there to pick me up like my twin or his fiancé. Also there are my brothers my parents and at last but not least my girlfriend. I love people  who actually care. I have been tired and so busy. I have been thinking I need a break from shows and just be with family and pay attention to people in my life. I love work but my goodness it can get tiring.

I told you recently I had surgery and I am really sore I have never thought that an inguinal hernia would be painful. I have never been bruised in certain places before. Hurts to sit down get up and sometimes walk. This was my first surgery ever. So i was a little nervous going in and I was like oh lord what do I do. I can't remember being knocked out. All I can remember was waking up. Being sore I have to say my Surgeon was the best. He called today to ask if I was okay. I am sore he gives me info on all the things that I need. So! I need a damn  break I will show you a pic of where they went it but I am all good just stiff and sore.


I need to focus on school. I miss my woman. I miss my family. I just need a break holy hell do I need one and I just want to relax and get better. Hell hopefully I will be better by Monday so I can return to school.